FAQ

First, go and read my About page if you haven't already. This FAQ fills in the gaps.

Why do you go by the pseudonym "Schmutzie"?
Schmutzie is a moniker I created in the mid-1990s when a circle of my friends gave each other nicknames over pitchers of beer one afternoon. I created it out of a Yiddish word my mother used frequently in relation to me as a child, despite the fact that we were not Jewish. Mennonites are funny that way. When you say it out loud it sound like how a German might say "smut" with a "zee" on the end: Schmut-zie.

Why do you not identify Cityville and Cosmopolis?
When I started this website, I was so deep under cover that I did not even reveal my physical location, so I referred to my city as "Cityville" and the city I spent most of my growing up years in as "Cosmopolis". Over the years, people have asked me if I live in Calgary, Moose Jaw, Winnipeg, and several other western Canadian cities, but most of you have been wrong, and since I'm all about edging out of my shell lately, I'll let you in on a little secret: Cityville = Regina and Cosmopolis = Saskatoon, both of which are located in Saskatchewan, Canada.

How did the Palinode and you meet and get together?
We met through a mutual friend while I was engaged to another man whom I eventually left for the mutual friend whom I eventually left for sucking at being a boyfriend. Four years went by in which I had many adventures but very little sex, so I called up the Palinode after not seeing him for one-and-a-half years and asked if I could stay at his house for a week. He said yes, I drove to his city to stay in his house, and we were married ten months later on a lesbian guest ranch. Strangely, we have no recollection of our first meeting.

Which came first, the photography or the blog?
The blog came before the photography, but not by much. I started this website back in August of 2003, and the Palinode gave me my very own grownup camera that Christmas. I have fallen repeatedly in and out of love with photography ever since, which is how it goes with each of my worthwhile creative endeavors, so it's a love that's here to stay.

Do you like Canada? How do you feel about Canada being made fun of on the television show "How I Met Your Mother"?
I love Canada. Politeness, universal health care, Timbits, and having the lion's share of the world's fresh water makes me pretty freaking pleased by the accident of my birth. "How I Met Your Mother" can make fun of us all it wants, because it's partially written and acted in by Canadians, and we love to make fun of ourselves. I think that's because it can get really freaking cold up here for half the year, and we end up drinking straight through the long, dark months of winter. If you're a canuck, you've probably gotten drunk while wearing a toque with a pom-pom adorning the top.

Have you always known that you wanted to be a writer?
In grade three, Ms. Martin asked us to write a short story. I wrote about a girl who ate berries that sent her looping through time. All she needed to find her own time were more of those berries, but in each different time period, the berries were never in season. Finally, she found a kindly witch who made her a potion from dried berries that she had saved, and the girl found her home again. It was the first piece of any appreciable length that I had ever written, and I can tell you that it was also the first time I ever felt high. The exhilaration I felt when I held that notebook to my chest was addictive, and I've been writing ever since.

How did you learn to knit?
I learned to knit at a girls' club that ran out of my childhood church. Every Mennonite woman knew how to knit, so we were doled out red and green balls of acrylic yarn and a set of knitting needles and taught how to knit Christmas stockings. Those were the gloomiest Tuesday evenings of my life. We sat under fluorescent lights on splintering wooden stacking chairs and wrestled yarn into complicated knots. I dropped stitches, knit so tightly that the yarn squeaked against the needles, and wore my fingers raw. I gave up when it came to constructing the heel of the stocking. I had had enough. I picked up knitting again in my twenties when I tried to quit smoking for the umpteenth time, and it no longer rendered me helpless in the face of all existence. What can't maturity do?

What are some of the most important lessons you've learned since you began blogging?
All the lessons your parents tried to teach you are true. Play nice. Share. Don't say anything about someone else unless you are willing to say it to their face. Don't stand around with your mouth hanging open. Don't count your chickens before they're hatched. Don't point out the faults of others before you've looked at your own. Wear clean underwear.

How did you become so awesome?
I learned how to tie double knots in cherry stems with my tongue. Also, I make a point of working at being less of a douchebag every day. As humans, we are born into douchebaggery, and it is our birth-given privilege to have the ability to heft ourselves out of its muck.